Monday, February 2, 2009

rebirth of the cool


many, many times in the past few weeks I have nearly lost my cool in a big way. this past week especially, but knowing GOD, gratitude and the Reiki Promise (thank you sister Tracy) have kept me in the light. i realize now that people don't respect the cool until you lose it or perhaps the cool is so unexpected in challenging times that they feel that they have to raise up the uncool within you to know that they are still in the right place. but if you commit to being the cool you may go off the rails for a moment but when you return if you stop and look at shit for what it really is you come out the other side so clear that it is truly amazing.

for example: i am "hosting" my was-band for the time being as he reconfigures his life to move on to another space to find himself and "show" me. to which i say "go on with your bad self because i know, i have always known that you have it in you to be as successful as you want to be no matter where you are in the world."
so what started as monday and tuesday the week of the inauguration and the "big" snowstorm has continued now only to end with the receipt of tax return $ sometime in the next week and a half so he can get to the job waiting for him in Cali, and while it wasn't an invitation that i wanted to extend it has been okay only because i have committed to the cool. truth be told up until thursday he was being a model citizen. helping to clean-up, around for meals and homework time, driving kids to school. i think he may have adopted a bit of the cool, "when in rome", or so i thought.

the cool has resulted from my decision that in the aftermath of everything - 12 years of tit-for-tat crap and a general need to wreck shit that my life moving forward no matter what happens will be about maintaining a sense of serenity by knowing peace, love and harmony. but you can't have that with a person who is addicted to drama and confusion. so this cat waited until i got home from work Thursday to do some idiotic shit that i would be sure to see up in my home and in the "conversations" that followed admitted that he knew i would both see it and get mad. i swear to you all that for a moment i just knew that somebody was going to have to come get me outta county. but instead i took a break. i got in my car and drove around - stopping at intervals to really feel what I was feeling. some meditation, a cup of chai at starbucks, some yelling, some crying, some cussing. i got it all out and felt so much better. but the real point is that i got it all out. i didn't realize until i thought through everything that i was holding on to more than a few notions in other parts of my psyche that were illuminated and cleansed by this one event. deep down i had been waiting for an apology, a turn around, an aha moment and this showed me so clearly that i will never, ever get it. what's more it has nothing to do with me nor anything that i have or haven't done or can or cannot do - and i am so damn grateful for the insight. i knew that i was doing the work to get there slowly and surely but life has a way of creating events that act as fast-forward.
but in the midst of this he calls to say that i need to "come back right now . . ." - in a tone that seemed to indicate that he'd re-injured himself on whatever he'd bumped his big-ass head on earlier in the afternoon. as you might imagine my response is largely unprintable but in a nutshell he was instructed to sit tight, suck it up & deal and that i would get there when i got there. i got off the phone and then laughed myself silly because only a true ass would have wanted to deal with me where i was in that moment and had i "listened" i would be rockin' an orange jumpsuit with silver bracelets right now and i can guarantee that he would have been rockin' a neck brace, a head wound, bracelets and an orange jumpsuit as well. but i digress . . .


in short the cool will save your life. cultivate the cool this week ya'll.
with gratitude, peace and love
cat