it has been a minute . . . and here's why

happy birthday to me. 42 years old yesterday 3/11! truth be told i haven't been online in weeks. after doing all that i am doing at the end of the day i have just been turning myself off so i can recharge somewhat to process all that has been happening and then rev up enough by morning to keep mothering, keep moving, keep searching, keep living.

my mom had what we all thought was a stroke. on sat. 2/7 my brother-in-law who usually is a work came downstairs to find her standing in the kitchen with her pants on backwards pouring milk into a bowl that wasn't there. he immediately called 911. at the hospital she knew who she was but not where she was. she was slurring her words and could not follow the doctor's commands. every test known to man later we still don't know what happened to her. 2 days later her speech returned to normal and all was well except she wasn't walking and is still having wild swings in her blood sugar levels. since there was no sign of stroke it was time to leave the stroke unit on tuesday. however, you gotta walk to get to the house so we were advised to find a rehab/care facility. shame on us for calling it a nursing home out loud. she told us she didn't want to go to a nursing home - repeatedly, loudly and at midnight she stopped breathing. which set off alarms all over the place and secured her a breathing tube and a space in the ICU. because she kept trying to pull the breathing tube out they sedated her heavily for several days. but here I am thinking at 2am though . . . if you got enough juice to pull something that large out of your neck how bad off can you be? and she looked really pissed off to me.


ok, i am definitely not the doctor in the group - that's my sister, her husband and all their friends. luckily they were willing to translate dr. speak for me when asked. the funniest part is that with all these highly trained professionals in the room speaking advanced prescription label not one of them made the connection between her loudly stated unwillingness to go to a "care facility" and then stopping her own breathing hours later. it's officially listed as an "unexplained breathing event" but I know better. after they tested everything again only to find nothing they woke her up and pulled out the tube. she immediately requested but was refused some fried chicken wings and we kept on rolling - back to the stroke ward. three days there, more tests and it was on to the rehab center and now she is home with an attendant, visiting nurse and physical therapy. whew!


in the meantime the was-band mentioned in the previous post was allowed to stay on by the grace of god literally. under duress i did some major praying and spirit said to let him stay. didn't ask why just did as i was told and was grateful because i would not have been able to move around freely and do what needed to be done without the help on hand. i have to give props because some long dormant gene kicked in and he played the role of hands-on dad complete with folded laundry and clean kitchen. it was a joy to witness. spirit came through again when a friend sent him some buddy passes to get him to california. we took him to raleigh to catch his flight out. made a day of it by hitting some museums and having dinner with a friend. the kids are sad which sometimes makes me sad but i know that this is an essential chapter in our collective story. not everyone can do the whole family deal effectively especially if you haven't perfected the self thing.


so that leaves me working on my self thing out of which is forming: running 2 miles at least 4 days per week along with weight training, daily yoga and meditation, life visioning, one huge goddess painting, "wings and dreams" illustrations for a new children's book, and a gang of insights and great ideas. taking it easy on myself one day at a time and doing only what feels okay because my goal is staying clear and staying true.


with gratitude, peace and love
catherine